My boyfriend, Matthew, came into my life out of nowhere. I was so on my own sh*t, that he caught me off guard. I’m so glad he did.
Today, is mine and Matthew’s anniversary and I wanted to write about our relationship, how much I love him, how I love creating with him, how much he means to me but I’m really struggling with what I want to share. The deeper we get in our relationship the more I want to keep it private. What is between us is for us.
I struggled for many years with my self worth in romantic relationships. I settled for less than I deserved, from men I didn’t really care about. Something shifted in me before I met Matthew. I had to love me more, so I could make room in my life for the right kind of someone. I took the lessons I had learned from dating in LA as a twenty something, and I promised myself that I would not allow someone close to me unless they brought what I needed to the table. I was sick and tired of struggle love! I got more clear about the partner I wanted. I got clear with myself with what I would and wouldn’t accept.
Society haas taught us through media messaging that as fat people, we don’t deserve love or we don’t deserve a fulfilling relationship. It took me so long to unlearn what I had been taught. I have to still remind myself, we ARE the romantic leads. We absolutely deserve it. We can absolutely have it and it’s absolutely out there.
I met Matthew a few weeks after, I made that promise to myself. Later finding out his favorite bar was down the street from my apt. He had known a best friend of mine through work. Meeting him felt inevitable and right. I want to be 100% honest and represent myself authentically on the internet, my relationship isn’t perfect. Do I get frustrated and annoyed? Yes. Do I sometimes wonder, if this is what I want for life? Yes. I consistently check in with myself. Am I with a person who supports my best self? And am I that for them? Do I show up to this relationship offering as much to the other person, as they do to me?
I always hated the saying, “you have to love yourself before someone else can”, because I was single over here like “HELLO I LOVE MYSELF?! Where is MR. RIGHT?!” but it was more I had to nurture in me the self worth enough to demand the type of man I wanted to be with. I had to refuse to settle on things that were important to me and be really honest with myself. Falling in love, allowed me to fall deeper in love with myself.
Matthew has taught me so much about love, myself and my self worth to be honest. I feel lucky to love and be loved by him.
photos shoot by Matthew